How to Start Creating Healthy Boundaries
I used to be a human stepping stool. A doormat, if you will. I constantly let people walk all over me. I’m not saying that I was just constantly giving myself to people left and right, but I was putting the opinions and needs of others before my own nine times out of ten.
“I’m just a people pleaser.”
It honestly makes me cringe looking back on it now. The reality was, I had no boundaries. I didn’t realize the way that it was slowly eating away at my sanity and confidence until I started my own journey of self-reflection. I started asking myself some important yet difficult questions.
Why do I devote my time and effort to this? Who am I trying to please when I do this? Why am I trying to please them? Am I scared of losing them or their approval? Is my relationship with this person or organization completely reliant on crossing the boundaries I’ve set for myself?
When I got to the root of it, I was appalled. So much of my life was devoted to things that I didn’t even care about - I just cared about the opinion of whoever had imposed the ‘thing’ on me. I was spending so much time participating in activities or devoting time to things that I did not enjoy and were not beneficial to me or my wellbeing. I did it because I felt like I had a role to play - and wow, I was good at playing it.
I was playing the part of the girl that everyone around me had come to know - the one who did it all and had it all. And I broke myself becoming her.
It wasn’t until I began the practice of setting healthy boundaries in my life that I was able to create the life that I envisioned for myself. One where I am doing things that bring me joy and purpose, with people and organizations that do the same. Like most things that are worthwhile, it’s not easy, but it is possible.
There are many different kinds of boundaries: physical, emotional, sexual, emotional, financial, intellectual… the list goes on. It’s important to take every aspect of your life into account when thinking about and establishing boundaries. Where do you even begin? Let’s walk through 10 ways you can maintain and preserve your boundaries from PsychCentral:
Self-reflect
It’s hard to create boundaries for yourself if you don’t even know yourself. Take the time to step back and reevaluate what your values are. If you know what’s most important and meaningful in you’re life, you’ll know how to create boundaries to protect those things.
Start small
Once we learn how to tackle the small obstacles, the big ones become much less daunting. Practice setting boundaries around the more simple/straightforward things first. Your brain will be more willing to take on this challenge if you start small and work your way up to the more difficult problems you’re facing.
Set them early on
Once you’ve decided on your boundaries, be clear about them from the start. Beginning a new job or dating someone new? If everyone is clear on the boundaries at the beginning, then there will be fewer chances of confusion and violations of boundaries.
Be consistent
Don’t budge! If you let your boundaries go it can cause even more confusion and hurt in the end. Be clear and stand firm in your boundaries. This is why it’s so important to align your values with your boundaries - if you know why you have these values in place, you’re less likely to be inconsistent with them.
Create a framework
While your boundaries will vary from person to person, it’s important to have boundaries that are clear for yourself to help you set them for others.
Add extra - don’t limit yourself to what’s in place
Many areas of life already have boundaries set in place - school and work are great examples of this. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries outside of those already in place. They’re oftentimes not enough.
Be careful on social media
It’s easier than ever to overshare on the internet. While there are definitely some positive ways to be open and vulnerable on social media, it’s important to be wary of just how much you share on your social media accounts. You don’t have to share every part of yourself with the world, and you probably shouldn’t anyway.
Communicate
Boundaries are nothing without communication! You can be clear and concise about setting boundaries without being confrontational. Come from a place of honesty and clarity so there’s no room for consistent overstepping.
Be a champion for yourself
Take care of yourself! Easier said than done, I know. It’s hard to set boundaries that are good and necessary when we don’t even believe that we are worthy of them. Engaging in meaningful self-care activities can help encourage this mindset.
Gain perspective
When setting boundaries, be mindful that it is possible to go too far. Keep in mind that overthinking and oversetting them can sometimes be worse than setting none at all. Look out for your best interests but be realistic and adaptable.